After a few weeks of unsuccessfully battling shoulder discomfort, I took the advice of my coaches and went to see their Chiropractor. In short, the treatments were amazing. I can once again apply deodorant without wincing in pain. Still the experience got me thinking. CrossFit must be to a Chiropractor like Quinoa is to a Nutritionist! They have to love us. As soon as we hobble into their office, they know they have a client for life.

But what if the Chiropractor never, ever heard of CrossFit? I think reviewing the patient’s history might go something like this.

“So your file says you hurt your wrists flipping a tire. Was it still attached to the vehicle?” Dr. Patella asks.

“What? No it was lying on the ground.”

“Why not just roll it? They are round you know. Anyway, you then made it worse by carrying sandbags. Where was the flood?”

“There wasn’t a flood. We had to carry them from one end of the box and then back.”

“You did this in a box? Cardboard? It must be huge.”

“No. Box is what we call the place where we workout, like a gym, but not a gym.”

“I see… So you picked up the sandbags and ran with them only to bring them back to the spot you started. Ok. And then you hurt your shoulders doing something called “Wall Balls.” Is that right?”

“Yeah, essentially you throw a twenty pound medicine ball up a wall, catch it, squat, then do it again, it killed my…”

“After it goes through the hoop?” interrupted Dr. Patella, reaching for another notepad.

“There is no hoop. Only a thick line on the wall that ball must reach. Then we did “Ball Slams,” where you raise the medicine ball over your head and then slam it to the ground and squat down to catch it. It doesn’t bounce much.”

“You don’t bounce it around the court, I mean box? And there’s no hoop. So how do you keep score?”

“You just count your reps…repetitions.”

“I see. How many reps do you do?”

“It depends on the AMRAP time in the WOD.”

“The “What-RAP” in the “Who-WOD?”

“It stands for As-Many-Reps-As-Possible in the Work Out of the Day.”

“That’s FUBR,” muttered the doctor.

“What?”

“Nothing. Let’s talk about your back. How did the sumo wrestler die? Was it a heart attack? And why did you have to lift them? Did anyone call the Paramedics?”

“No one died. It’s a weightlifting move called a “Sumo Dead Lift High Pull”…you just…forget it.”

“I see. And do you move the weights around the gym, I mean box, like you do with the sandbags?”

“No. We pick them up and put them back down. It’s the same with most of the weightlifting moves…”

“Of course. You really don’t move around much in CrossFit do you? I mean it seems you’re always staying in the same spot.”

“Hardly. Now can you start working on me?”

“In a minute.  This is interesting,” Dr. Patella said as he scanned more of the patient’s history. “Doesn’t the ringing get annoying? And does it make a different sound than others? What if it was an Italian bell?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You apparently did further shoulder damage swinging a Russian Kettle bell. Does a Russian bell sound different from one from another country?”

“It isn’t a bell. It’s a ball shaped weight with a handle?”

“So it’s called a kettle ball,” corrected Dr. Patella.

“No, bell. Kettle bell. Not sure why. Anyway my shoulder and back ache when I…”

“We’ll get to it. Only a few more questions. It seems there are no ladders in this box.”

“What? Why would there be ladders?”

“You wrecked your shins jumping on a box. How tall are these boxes? And after that you started climbing the walls. And apparently you still couldn’t reach whatever it is you wanted, so you climbed a rope and then hurt your elbow. What was so important that you need to get it down? How did get up there in the first place?”

“Uggghhh?”

“Ladders aren’t expensive. Home Depot always has them on sale. Check the ads on their website or in the paper.”

“I’ll let the coaches know. Can I lay on the table now?”

“We’re almost done. Ok for this I can recommend an internal medicine specialist or you can try Tums or Zantac.”

“For what?”

“For your Burpees. What a cute term. Medically it’s known as acid reflux. So I assume you hurt your ankle after you worked out. Were you drunk?”

“Drunk? No. Why would you…”

“Says here you were bar hopping. We used to do that on weekends while I was in college, but I was lot younger then. And why did you have to put your toes on the bar? Did that get you a free drink or something? And, after that you put your chest on the bar and then your chin. Where is this place? Seems the Health Department would have something to say about it.”

“It’s not a bar; it’s a bar that you…forget it. My back doc. Please.”

“You strained your Achilles. Wait, how did you not hit your head? And what were you crawling under that you had to do it twice?”

“I’m totally lost now.”

“Double Unders. Under what?”

“I was jumping rope. And rather than have the rope go around once; you try to have two revolutions with each jump…”

“Un huh. Twice. Sure why not. Again, you’re staying in the same place though. Ok. Well this is interesting. Apparently you are getting out and moving around. Says here that you row and bike? Where does this happen?”

“It all happens in the box. It’s a stationary Airdyne bike and a rowing machine. The goal is either a specified distance or number of calories.”

“Well calories I get, but distance? You’re not moving. Well it seems I have enough to prescribe a treatment,” Doctor Patella said as he leaned back in his chair.

“Finally, I’ll get on the table.”

“Not quite. I suggest you see my colleague Dr. Medulla Oblongata. She’s a psychiatrist. Here’s her number.”

“What? Why do I need to see a psychiatrist?”

“From what I can tell, you’re climbing walls to reach something that’s not even there. You’re lifting weights only to put them back where you found them. When you do run, you return to the same place that you started. You bike to nowhere and row to nowhere. And if that’s not enough, you jump in the same place. You’re getting nowhere. I’m sure you can see that. And when it’s all over, you drink. You head straight to the bar only to put your toe, chest and chin on it. When you’re finished doing that, you jump over it. Dr. Oblongata won’t like me saying this, but you CrossFitters are crazy!”

Dean Michael Zadak spends his days in the corporate world as a Sales Director, released his first novel in 2014 and has been published various magazines sharing a humorous viewpoint on life, music and CrossFit.   Qualifying for the Master’s age bracket, he’s seen enough to know that life can always use more laughter, plus it’s required for a lifetime Chicago Cubs fan. Dean works out at Crossfit Kilter with his wife and daughter in Libertyville, Illinois.

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